I want
to conquer
the world
in these shoes.
to conquer
the world
in these shoes.
Or I at least want to get my hands on them.
Constantly running around the igloo-like weather (alright, I am exaggerating), but cold enough weather up at the (S)ecret (F)rosty (U)niversity (that locates itself in the mountains) in UGGs, I feel deprived of fashion.
I am no fashionista - I buy bargains, I have no idea what and when newest collection of Oscar De La Renta hits the runway, I have clothes from last season's Marc Jacobs, bags that are the cheaper versions of that particular brand, and I don't worship Vogue like my Bible. But I am still a girl that looks at the mirror and complains about her look, that I would mind wearing clothes that make my already "critique-able" body even...worse.
Today I woke up around 10:00am for some odd reason. The first thing I do every morning is to check all my email accounts on my iPhone. NEWS: Nightmare alert - the stupid children's literature course that I am taking requires me to find 10 books from this specific author of which most of her books are discarded. Great? Absolutely. I am now slaving away to childrens book and bullshitting, because I don't even have the books on hand. Not to mention, I am doing this paper weeks before is due. And then I go to the washroom. DOUBLEHIT. I look tired, and I see a lot of fat (not fishing for compliments here).
As a communication student, I am constantly writing papers and proposing new ideas and critiques to today's culture, which is ever-so-current. The constant late nights, panics, and stress is showing on my face. From a young age, I've been on medication as well. This contributes to my weight. ALSO ALSO ALSO I scramble for sleeptime and wake up last minute. If school is at 1:30, I would wake up at 1 and leave the house.
What am I trying to say after all that blubber?
I am just trying to say, as a girl, I want to shine, look good, put on makeup, have people not critique me. But as a girl, I also hold insecurities, and alongside with all these latenights, I just give up and go to school in sweats and UGGs.
I am just trying to say, as a girl, I want to shine, look good, put on makeup, have people not critique me. But as a girl, I also hold insecurities, and alongside with all these latenights, I just give up and go to school in sweats and UGGs.
I want to be able to run 100 meter sprints in crazy Louboutins, I want to wear jeans and tanktops without lovehandles and sudden bulges.
But I can't even wear a t-shirt sometimes in the summer, because of my insecurities. Don't get me wrong, I exercise regularly, I diet, I do everything I can to lose weight. And I am proud - because the medication I am on is the only reason I gained like, 40 something pounds (I've managed to lose....some). Of course there is more I can do, but I still need to live a life fulfilling other things instead of my personal weight goals.
Sometimes I wonder: what if I never gained the 40 pounds. Would I become the person I am today, who feels for those that struggle to lose weight, for those who fear the constant usage of medication hurting their liver, for the girls who turn to anorexia just to conform to society norms? Maybe yes, maybe no.
That aside, I still wish to lose some weight, boost my confidence a little, and finally go to school in some crazy heels. I remember I make fun of girls at my university (since it's up at a mountain) in crazy makeup (eyeliner, fake lashes, foundation, powder, bronzers..), sleeveless dresses and tops, skinny jeans, and in 5 inch heels that strut the hallways as their runway. Sure, I make fun of them, but really, I envy them too. So, remembering how it is like to wake up every morning to panic attacks, then to seeing the mirror and panic even more, I want to make a vow.
... I vow to go to school one day with full-on makeup, a tight curve-hugging dress, and some crazy 6 inch high heels before I graduate. I'll take a picture then.
xx,
JJ.
JJ.
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